Kristi Noem is so boring, she can’t even make Charlton Heston’s gun cry sound exciting:
— NRA (@NRA) May 16, 2021
Yeah, I’m the rest of America, and I’m taking notes:
- The NRA labels this little Twitter clip, “Kristi Noem Has SAVAGE Message for Joe Biden and Gun Grabbers.” Is “savage” really an admirable term for gubernatorial pronouncements? We’re talking public policy, not TV wrestling.
- I could point out the offense our Lakota neighbors may take at the use of a term fraught with cultural baggage and used to dehumanize the victims of Euro-imperialism, but Team Noem/Lewandowski would say, “What? Provoke liberals on guns and Indians in one shot? Yeehaw! Order more posters!”
- Even if we shut our eyes to history (and we’re good at that here in Noemistan) and view savage purely denotatively, the Governor expresses not one drop of untamed ferocity. If you didn’t know English and could only understand tone and body language, you could just as easily assume that the Governor is saying, “To paraphrase Liza Clark, commissioner of the Bureau of Finance and Management, South Dakota’s state sales rate is 4.5%.”
- Kristi’s cold dead voice matches her cold dead stage: no flags, no distinctive outfit, not even a flintlock rifle or 12-gauge shotgun gripped in her steely arms to drive home her point. The aging Charlton Heston knew the value of a good prop to make a lasting rhetorical impression. Even Michael Moore recognized that Heston’s flintlock grandstand was great cinema. But Kristi can’t liven up eight seconds of video with a boomstick from her broom closet. The gun she’s daring Joe Biden to take from her hands is as imaginary as the notion that Joe Biden wants to take any of her guns.
- But if Kristi really wants to play “savage”, then o.k., let’s play savage:
Corey Lewandowski, listen to me, and listen to Kristi: the gal you’re coaching can’t make the easiest conservative line sound like a war cry. She is not the fiery steed you want to ride to the White House in 2024. She’s just unalterably boring.