NASA Delayed Water Discovery News to Shield South Dakota Ad Campaign, Buy Medicaid Expansion?

NASA announces the strongest evidence yet for liquid water on Mars, and conservatives suffer an allergic reaction to science. Rush Limbaugh baselessly asserts that a corrupt NASA will turn the discovery into some component of the leftist agenda. Breitbart says NASA timed the announcement to promote the upcoming film The Martian because the Obama Administration wants to help leftist movie star Matt Damon make more money.

People read this stuff? Companies buy ads to sponsor this stuff?

Lawrence & Schiller on Mars: The Extra 35.8 Million Miles
Lawrence & Schiller on Mars: The Extra 35.8 Million Miles

Fine. I’ll tell you the real conspiracy.

NASA’s new discovery builds on research published last April about the presence of perchlorates. That information could have led to an even stronger assertion of Mars’s potential to sustain life. But in April, South Dakota’s state-favored marketing firm Lawrence & Schiller was launching its cheeky and expensive ad campaign for the state, the silly video and website averring that living in South Dakota was better than dying on Mars. L&S targets hipsters, and hipsters are hip to science, so releasing this information about recurring slope lineae back in April would have torpedoed Lawrence and Schiller’s campaign: What do they mean Mars is “not breathable”? Electrolyze the water in those RSLs, and we’ve got all the oxygen we need! Dummies!

The three million the state paid Lawrence & Schiller wasn’t for production costs. It was to bribe NASA and the Obama Administration to withhold that scientific data until after the L&S Mars ad could play out. And to boot, Governor Dennis Daugaard had to promise the Obama Administration that he would finally give in and expand Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act. On the same day that NASA finally released the RSL discovery, Governor Daugaard announced his Medicaid proposal.

As Breitbart’s John Nolte would say, Case closed.

Let the sponsors come rolling in, like water down the Martian slopes!

9 Responses to NASA Delayed Water Discovery News to Shield South Dakota Ad Campaign, Buy Medicaid Expansion?

  1. Deb Geelsdottir

    Allow me to be the first to . . . . . . . . . .

    Hahahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Hahahahahahahaha!

  2. mike from iowa

    I’m not into conspiracy theories,but I think Daniel B is mixed up in there somewhere.

  3. …and there are actually people out there who will believe it. I can’t even fathom that level of stupidty. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but still clever enough to figure that one out!

  4. Cory, that was awesome writing. I love the “Onion”. I love it mainly because I have to remind myself it is satire not fact. Reading this made me say, “I knew it”…oh yea,… satire. Great work! Brings back memories of Andy Rooney writing in the halls of MHS.

  5. CraigSk! You remember my first journalistic gig! The MHS Maroon ran a column called “Andy Rooney at MHS.” I think Jeff Venekamp wrote it before I did; did you take it over after I graduated?

  6. having mars perchorates photo on my fon.gonna have to look up that linea phrase.btw whatz a hippster? Daugaard is a republic chicken bastard who prolly listens to rush and believes it.oh DID support Black Elk Peak. YEAAY

  7. Porter Lansing

    The whole Mars thing is being filmed in a studio in the Nevada desert. Get Putin out of Syria and blame Obama.

  8. How was $3 million paid to Lawrence & Schiller turned into a bribe for NASA? Who at NASA got the money?

  9. Anne, if EB-5 and GEAR UP money can be laundered, so can GOED ad money. But this time, the witnesses were probably launched into space on that cool new SpaceX rocket, whose landable first-stage makes disposing of your enemies in space much more cost-effective! :-D