Preview of Trump Inaugural Address, from Buckley 2000

Donald Trump becomes the 45th President of the United States today. A moment parodied glancingly by The Simpsons in 2000 now becomes reality.

Republican speechwriter Christopher Buckley wrote his own parody of Donald Trump’s Inaugural Address seventeen years ago. Buckley’s speech is probably not as funny as what President Trump will say today (eighty minutes from this writing), but it’s worth comparing:

My fellow Americans,

This is a great day for me personally. You’re very smart to have voted for me because I’m going to do positive things for this country, starting with this mall I’m looking out over.

For starters, I don’t know why this is called a “mall.” Where I come from, New York City— which happens to be the greatest city in the world, and the reason I say that is that I built most of it, and I only build quality, so I think I know what I’m talking about— a mall doesn’t look like this. Where are the shops? I see grass, ponds— and what’s that, an obelisk? This is not Cairo. I don’t know how much the government paid for the Washington Monument— and I have no problem with George Washington, but he wasn’t a businessman— they overpaid. You’ve got a 560-foottall structure sitting on some of the most prime real estate in the country, incredible views, including of my new home. People would pay a lot for a duplex co-op in a building like that. I would charge $ 1,500 to $ 2,000 a square foot, and I’d get it. No wonder this government is trillions in debt.

Everywhere I look I see wasted opportunities, and I’ve only been president for five minutes. At the end of this so-called mall is the Lincoln Memorial. Lincoln was an okay president, but I would have freed the slaves, too. And I would have given them something more useful than forty acres and a mule, incidentally. But if you want to make a statement about Lincoln, you could do much better than this. White marble? Columns? This is not Greece. And that statue, he looks like he’s having a difficult bowel movement. This is no way to say thank you for saving the Union. And I know about unions, believe me. Ask around. Don’t try offering them forty acres and a mule. So with respect to Lincoln, I would make a statement: pink marble, gold, mirrors, maybe some hanging gardens, fountains with water coming out the breasts. People love that stuff. A restaurant on the roof that would serve first-rate food, because that’s the only kind of food I’m interested in. Mediocre food does not interest me. You know what people like? Jumbo shrimp. It’s not rocket science.

So what do you think of your new first lady? I picked Moronia— what’s your name, honey? Melania, right. Great name. I just picked Melania here from a very wide selection of possibilities— not just because the sex is incredible but because this nation wants and deserves a trophy first lady. When everyone sees our first lady standing next to some other first lady of another country, the wife of a premier or whatever, they’ll want to go to bed with our first lady, not the other one. So the American people no longer have to worry on that score. And if they get tired of her, not a problem, because chances are I’ll be tired of her before they are. And we’ll get a new first lady. Trying to keep North Korea from getting the bomb, maybe that’s a problem. Finding a new first lady? Trust me, not a problem.

Policy-wise? I’m going to be very hands-on. If a situation comes up, like inflation, or a union beef, or Mike Tyson beats up another motorist, I’m going to be on it. It’s going to be fixed. There was a skating rink in New York City in Central Park. There were problems with it. Then I got involved. Now people can skate on it. Again, it’s not rocket science.

Foreign-policy-wise? Same. I’m a businessman. Other countries want to do business with us, I’m all for it. Trade, great. I have no problems with people trading with us. But it’s going to be fair trade, by which I mean we come out on top. They have a problem with that, they can sell their TVs and cheese and whatever to someone else. Maybe North Korea. It’s just not complicated. Missiles? Very simple— you aim one at us, I fire a hundred at you. So don’t go there. Turning a country into a radioactive parking lot does not bother me. I sleep fine. Ask Melanomia. And finally on the foreign front, I have something to say to Fidel Castro. Adios, pal. This time, we’re going to nationalize your hotels and casinos.

That about covers it. I have to go, because important senators and congressmen are giving me a lavish luncheon in the Rotunda behind me here. I understand they’re serving a lot of jumbo shrimp. Basically they’re trying to impress me so I won’t cancel their highway projects and ethanol subsidies. I know how they do things. Now they’re going to find out how I do things. By the way, I’ve directed the Treasury to issue a couple billion extra in hundred-dollar chips. Enjoy yourselves. This is the dawn of a great, great era [Christopher Buckley, “Trump: The Inaugural,” Wall Street Journal, 2000.10.21].

Replace Fidel with Raul, and Buckley pretty much nailed Day One of President Donald J. Trump.

Now begins the four-year test of how well the world can take the Great American Joke.


48 Responses to Preview of Trump Inaugural Address, from Buckley 2000

  1. I forget the historian who famously said that those who do not learn the lessons from The Simpsons are destined to re-live them.

  2. Greg Deplorable

    36 years ago on this day 52 Americans were freed from hostage….today it is 300 million.

  3. Don Coyote

    I loved Christopher Buckley’s books. A great humorist and satirist. However he has been dead to me since he endorsed and voted for Obama.

  4. But I thought that’s what ammosexuals have their guns for.

  5. Wayne Pauli

    Make that 299,999,998 GD, as my wife joins me in an uneasy feeling about what just happened, since it is past 11 am here in the Heartland. We have a new President…my tummy hurts…But hey, congrats to you and your ilk.

  6. Now we get a President that is exceptional at turning a 200 million inheritance into bankruptcy five or six times (does anyone really know?)

    He’ll fit right in since he owes many countries money.

  7. Only a GOP presidency would say no to Kanye West performing at his Inauguration and saying that he’s not ‘traditionally American’ enough. Come on, keep it up ‘pubs, dems want the presidency back in four!

  8. Darin Larson

    Greg Deplorable,

    It’s interesting that the people you say were hostages disapprove of their new president so strongly. Trump is down to an approval rating of just over a third of Americans.

    http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/315223-poll-trump-approval-rating-hits-new-low-hours-before

    So, does that mean it was more like 100 million hostages, because over 200 million American citizens are apparently not happy about being “freed” by Trump?

  9. Greg Deplorable

    Those polls are meaningless, they aren’t done to reflect public opinion but to try and shape it.
    Give me a break, Obama with a high approval rating yet he’s leaving none of his party in power. Polls probably still show Hillary winning in a landslide and the Brexit failing.

  10. I’m more interested in the Trump people getting the Home Boys pissed.

  11. Darin Larson

    Trump’s problem is that he was very good at telling everyone that the US was a mess. Now that he is President, he can no longer blame any problems on Obama or Clinton. Who wants to bet that all of a sudden, he will start telling us how great our economy is, how great our military is, how great our borders protections are, etc., etc.? Time to flip the script!

  12. Darin Larson

    Yep Greg, polls are meaningless. Facts are meaningless. Who are you going to believe Trump, or your lying eyes?

  13. Roger Cornelius

    Trump’s speech was more like he was addressing a campaign rally rather than making an inaugural address.

    The biggest take away was that Trump lied to his supporters by calling for unity of all Americans regardless of their race. Trump campaigned on divisiveness and racial hatred.

    It has been reported that Trump wrote his own inaugural address, I find that hard to believe since there so many complete sentences.

  14. Greg Deplorable

    Trump will sink or swim on his own merits you are right on that. The people that elected him were sick of politicians, talk and the washington way. If he doesn’t follow through it will be a 4 year experiment.

  15. Kanye West and his music is “Not traditionally American enough.” (But Toby Keith is.)
    OMG, own it Trump People! Kanye is a Trump Supporter! Trump’s people Just Don’t Get It!

  16. Darin Larson

    I agree Roger about Trump’s speech being a campaign rally. He continues to sell himself as a rabid nationalist and protectionist.

    I think we should examine the tenure of Herbert Hoover and examine the parallels that we could be facing. Triggering a global trade war when trade is so important to the world economy could bring on a world wide depression that could make the Great Depression look like a fond memory.

  17. Daniel Buresh

    If polls were accurate, Hillary would be pres.

    “Now we get a President that is exceptional at turning a 200 million inheritance into bankruptcy five or six times (does anyone really know?)”

    Jenny, educate yourself on how stupid of a comment that is: http://www.snopes.com/2016/08/01/donald-trumps-bankruptcies/

    How about before crying over spilt milk, you wait and see what happens? Find a safe space and breathe into a paper bag.

  18. Greg Deplorable

    We’ve been in a trade war since the financial collapse of 08, yet most people are too ignorant to see it. Instead of being fought tariff vs tariff its being fought with currency devaluation. Good luck getting any enforcement from the WTO.

    Get rid of the supra national trade organizations and agreements and drag the trade issues out into the open on a bilateral basis and expose them to the populations of the respective countries.

    Even the Swiss who had one of the last currencies in the world backed by gold devalued their currency for export advantage.

  19. Roger Cornelius

    Another take away from the trump speech is that it would be safe to say that he will bring home to America all trump products that are manufactured in foreign countries with the cheapest of labor.
    Now he doesn’t have to invest in that Scottish resort that is causing a stir in their country.
    Bring all manufacturing and investments home Donald, only you alone can do it.
    It is time to for Americans to invest in America and Donald should lead the way.

  20. Trump has a whole history of shady business dealings, not paying his temp employees (which the Union took him to court over) and racist treatment in the 70s , look it up, Daniel. So no, my comment isn’t stupid.

    Believe me, I want Trump to succeed in spite of his corrupt business personality. I don’t want another recession.

  21. mike from iowa

    36 years ago hostages were released because the cheater in charge committed acts of treason to win the election and traded arms to our sworn enemies to get their release held up. Raygun deserved the death penalty then, he deserves to be exhumed and killed all over again. Same with Drumpf. Damn wingnuts can’t hardly win any election without committing treason.

  22. Daniel Buresh

    Yes, your comment is stupid. Gauging an entrepreneur based on the number of bankruptcies alone is dumb.

  23. Greg Deplorable

    BHO is the only recent pres to not experience >3% GDP growth. We are told it’s the new norm, I’m glad Trump like others isn’t satisfied with the status quo. Growth is the only way out of this mess.

  24. You bring up a Snopes article when there are probably millions of them on the Internet about his business bankruptcies He was lucky because he was Donald Trump and with the banks agreed to sell off a lot of his assets and restructuring. A lot of CONTRACTORS HAD TO GO BANKRUPT BECAUSE OF HIM!!!
    The truth is Donald Trump is not that great of a businessman. Don’t be so partisan, Daniel. That’s dumb and stupid to do.
    Ammosexuals get so riled up when I make jokes about their love of guns.

  25. mike from iowa

    DB- Snopes lists 6 bankruptcies, none of the personal type, but you are slitting hairs like usual.

    The polls were accurate. HRC had a nice lead until Comey released his letter for some nefarious reason and you can clearly see a shift in the polls. Also the vast majority of late deciders went with Donnie Douche because of the negative publicity HRC was getting. Russia and the DBI clearly intervened and helped get DD a place where Russia can essentially control our country’s destiny.

  26. Mike From Iowa, I’ll let you deal with Daniel. He’s a mean one today. Tell him the truth about Trump and try to make him understand all the bankruptcies he’s had and how many contractors he’s screwed over.

  27. I don’t even think Trump knows how many bankruptcies he’s had over the years. In the debates he was always stumbling over that question.
    For sure he doesn’t care how many lenders, contractors and other employees he screwed over.

  28. Daniel Buresh

    “You bring up a Snopes article when there are probably millions of them on the Internet about his business bankruptcies He was lucky because he was Donald Trump and with the banks agreed to sell off a lot of his assets and restructuring. A lot of CONTRACTORS HAD TO GO BANKRUPT BECAUSE OF HIM!!!”

    Snopes is used around here all the time by the left, why is it no longer allowed? It just amazes me at how little people understand business. Part of being a businessman is knowing how to handle failures and structuring things to reduce risk. In that, Trump is probably one of the best and your comments only prove that. If Trump wasn’t a great businessman, he wouldn’t be where he is today.

    Keep calling law abiding citizens names, that is really helping your case. It worked to get Cory into office so make sure all your favorite candidates use it.

  29. Daniel Buresh

    “DB- Snopes lists 6 bankruptcies, none of the personal type, but you are slitting hairs like usual”

    Do you believe 6 bankruptcies alone is indicative of an entrepreneurs success as a businessman? That’s all this is about.

    “The polls were accurate. HRC had a nice lead until Comey released his letter for some nefarious reason and you can clearly see a shift in the polls. Also the vast majority of late deciders went with Donnie Douche because of the negative publicity HRC was getting. Russia and the DBI clearly intervened and helped get DD a place where Russia can essentially control our country’s destiny.”

    If the polls were accurate, Hillary would have won. HRC was getting negative publicity because of her parties own actions. Don’t hate the messengers for exposing the actions of corrupt officials. The next 4 years of whining about losing is already getting old.

  30. How come Trump stumbled around and gave a different answer each time about how many bankruptcies he’s had?
    Debt restructuring is ALWAY going to screw the less powerful businessman over, so I guess you can call Trump a good business man in that aspect. He’s bankrupted a lot of contractors.

    He’s good at marketing the Trump name. Very good at that and that’s about it.

  31. Roger Cornelius

    trump said during the campaign that “he is whiner and loves it”.
    If he loves whining so do I, in fact I’m just getting started.
    Look forward to four years of whining, I hope love as much as trump does.

  32. mike from iowa

    Don’t hate the messengers for exposing the actions of corrupt officials.

    With right wing nut jobs the ends really do justify the means. Last time I checked hacking was illegal and the FBI was not tasked with interfering in our elections. Don’t let facts and reality spoil yer li’l fantasy world, bud.

  33. mike from iowa

    Bankruptcies shouldn’t be allowed for slime like Drumpf. He gets to lose his debt and comes out smelling like a rose, whereas his creditors get the shaft-over and over and over again. No personal responsibility on Donnie Douche’s part. Never has been held responsible. Wuth wingnuts running everything he never will be held responsible for anything. Nice.

  34. Porter Lansing

    It hasn’t been eight hours and the “constantly contrary” (Buresh, Deplorable and Coyote) already look like fools. They’ve been sitting on their happy asses criticizing for two terms and now they have to try and play defense against attacks on Don “The Con” Trump? Good luck, Princesses. Playing defense takes brains and a President who’s a common con-man, doesn’t help ‘ya. he he he Bring your own shovels, amigos.

  35. Robert McTaggart

    Looks like the Obama climate change page for the white house has been removed already. That was fast.

    http://www.cnbc.com/2017/01/20/the-white-house-websites-page-on-climate-change-just-disappeared.html

  36. President Trump should have used the Buckley speech. It’s better than the one his ghostwriter wrote.

  37. When I saw the crowd pictures at daddy Don’s deal, I LMAO. The crowd reminded me of Clinton crowds in South Dakota..gwhahahaha.

  38. I know that South Dakota has a small Jewish population and I am wondering how they feel when they hear daddy Don reference “America First” as his goal? That anti Jewish phrase ranks right up there with his outright hatred for Muslims. Makes me wonder when the Catholics are gonna be next.

  39. Greg Deplorable

    Well we know what an over educated under employed president “managing the decline” looks like. I would suggest for your own sanity Poorer that you go color in the corner with the rest of the libs/protestors/snowflakes.

  40. Roger Cornelius

    Robert M.
    Along with the climate change site being taken down by trump White House website, so was the LGBT and Civil Rights site.
    trump’s first official act as president was to increase home mortgage rates, President Obama had planned to reduce mortgage rates by January 27, 2019.

  41. That was a great spoof on Trump. Thanks for sharing, Cory.

  42. It is true. People do like jumbo shrimp. I like it with a really spicy radish sauce.

  43. Of course you are speaking of George W. Bush, Mr. D., yes, Mission Something regarding him or was that Missing Something as it should have read.

  44. Trumpcare now says that “everyone will be covered” John Crohn, the Republican in charge of the new Trumpcare says that if you are on Medicare or Medicare Expansion, not to worry, you will stay covered in the same way.

  45. Porter Lansing

    Poorer? That’s a good one. You might have a future, after all. And, thanks for your concern as to my sanity. President Obama was the best President of my lifetime. I’m very proud of what we got done and who we did it for. He’s been the most productive President since FDR. And at this point, politics is about accomplishments not about who’s up next. I’m loyal to President Trump. I don’t respect him but I don’t think he cares, much. I’m opposed to most of his positions. That puts me in the “loyal opposition”. There’s not much benefit to treating Trump the way Obama was treated, Greg. You know, like when you call him Obummer over on the red blog. The Loyal Opposition will just sit and watch ….. and color, over in the corner.

  46. Porter Lansing

    @Jerry – I hope the Press and Democrats keep calling it OBAMACARE. That’s what Friday afternoon Troy and GravyBelly really hate. he he he

  47. mike from iowa

    Deplorable is this butt hurt when his Russian puppet gets to be puppet potus, imagine the butthurt when Drumpf gets tossed out on his puppet ass. I’m enjoying it.

  48. Roger Cornelius

    Anybody watch the trump deploraball this evening?