Hey, Sailor! Buy You a $100K Drink? SB 33 Proposes Party for USS Pierre

Two years ago, with great ode-iferous hoopla, the Navy commissioned the USS South Dakota, a nuclear submarine which isn’t doing much good to prevent the gravest threat to our Republic at the moment. On top of the couple-three billion spent to build that great aquatic phallus, South Dakota chipped in another $100K for the party for “our” u-boat.

Now the Legislature wants to spend another $100K for another boat party. Senate Bill 33 declares an emergency to spend $100,000 to pay for the commissioning of Littoral Combat Ship 38, the USS Pierre. The costs include trips to our state capital for the sailors, likely to ensure that they learn how to properly pronounce their ship.

This expenditure is, of course, silly. The Navy doesn’t need our state tax dollars to smash bottles against the hull and then go blow up whoever needs blowing up. The only way this expenditure might be worth our while is if we spent it to dredge the Missouri and build big enough diversion channels at Gavins Point, Fort Randall, and Fort Thompson that would allow the Independence-class warship to steam up the Missouri all the way to our capital to fire its guns and show off its helicopters. A boat with helicopters! What a tourist draw! We’d make our $100K back in no time with all the tourists we’d attract!

Even I would come to the capital for that kind of naval gazing. Heck, I’d be satisfied just for the chance to say, “Behold! The Pierre is at the pier! Let us peer, peers!”